Wednesday, June 27, 2007

choices, choices, choices

One day, during his morning walk, John Howard drops dead. He arrives at the Pearly Gates, to be told by St Peter: "We seldom see a Liberal, so we're not sure what to do with you." No problem, says Howard. "Just let me in, I'm a good Christian."

But St Peter tells him it's not that simple. Under God's new HEAVENCHOICES policy, Howard must spend one day in hell and one day in heaven before choosing where he'll live for eternity. And with that, St Peter rings the bell, an elevator arrives, and down Howard goes, non-stop, to hell.

However, when the doors open Howard finds himself on a lush golf course. The sun is shining, the day is perfect, and standing in front of a beautiful clubhouse is Bob Menzies, Billy McMahon, Billy Hughes, Joh Bjelke-Petersen, Frank and Kerry Packer, Bob Askin, Bob Santamaria, and many more. They all run to hug him and talk about the old times they had getting rich. They play a round of golf, have a lot of laughs, dine in the club on lobster and champagne, and are having such a good time that, before Howard realises, it's time to go.

Back in heaven, St Peter takes him inside where, for 24 hours, Howard hangs out with a bunch of ordinary, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, eat simply, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a broken promise or short-arse joke among them, but what Howard notices most is that he doesn't see anybody he knows.

The day over, Howard tells St Peter: "Heaven has been delightful but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."

So back into the elevator and down he goes, only this time when the doors open he's surrounded by endless scorched earth covered with smog and filth, while all his friends are chained together in rags and are filling black drums with toxic waste.

The Devil appears.

"I don't understand," stammers Howard. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and I ate lobster and drank champagne with all my friends. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland and everybody is miserable!"

The Devil puts an arm around him, smiling, and says silkily: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

130 Comments:

Blogger Justine said...

not my joke, btw

3:45 am  
Blogger Die Muräne said...

oh oh ;)

'one evening a man came to heaven. Petrus gave him a piece of bread and a sausage. Is this everything for my dinner? he asked. - yo man, did you think I cook a big meal just for you and me?! ;p

4:45 am  
Blogger Rosanna said...

Still, very amusing!

I hope you're well xo

9:58 am  
Blogger ChickyBabe said...

Reminds me of the contractor vs permanent employee joke. Very similar punchline!

9:06 pm  
Blogger Natalia said...

I had heard this in a different iteration. But it's still funny.

-N

2:26 am  
Blogger Another Outspoken Female said...

LOL :)

4:32 pm  
Blogger Rosanna said...

Justine?

5:00 pm  
Blogger Chai said...

Ha ha.

12:33 am  
Anonymous (gel)green-eyed lady said...

Not read this version
:)

4:00 pm  
Blogger Aleks - Anarcho-Syndicalist said...

An oldie but a goody. The version I usually hear is the devil saying "Yesterday we were recruiting, today you are staff."

3:20 pm  
Blogger Urban Chick said...

heh

7:35 am  
Blogger Die Muräne said...

we need a new post Justine ;)

4:17 pm  
Blogger Chai said...

Dude, what's happening?

12:49 am  
Blogger Kholostomy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

5:30 am  
Anonymous gel said...

did u change blogs?
(hopefully, you're just having a terrific summer (or whatever season b/c i forgot where you're located)
Tc
gel

2:42 pm  
Blogger Ann O'Dyne said...

January 2008
Dear J - hope your 08 is great,
peas and love, Brownie

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Blogger Chai said...

Hey dude.
I always plan to write. Just somehow weeks becomes months etc etc....

Are you back in Oz?
Email me and we can all go out for food and drinks, yes?

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Blogger Chai said...

Good lord.... How exciting!!!!!

blogger @ pyuser.com

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Blogger Ruth said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Ruth

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Blogger Ronald said...

Tsk! You've stooped to this? telling jokes to avoid the hard graft of creating a post?

Sorry I'm a bit late with the comment but I've been held up with writer's block, writer's absolute disillusionment, and a chronic lack of talent. Seems you're stuck too. Is that the only joke you know?

Don

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